Its been a very long time since I've even thought of updating this journal and today I decided would be the day.

Let me say, I survived Thanksgiving, which was much easier than I thought it would. I think the two main reason was because I had a very dear friend with me and she made the whole day just better. And this, I was sitting on my front porch Thanksgiving morning and I look over at one of my bushes. Sitting on a branch was a female cardinal (my fathers favorite bird is the cardinal, so this is fitting). She turns and looks at me, twitches her tail and keeps staring. I smile back and say, "hi mom, don't be mad, but you can't fault me" (I was smoking) then a male cardinal comes up and they sit there and stare at me for at least 5 minutes and then they fly off. I couldn't help but cry a little, because I know it was them telling me that they were around, I firmly believe this, don't know what anyone else thinks, but hey, it was something that made me smile.
Now the next hurtle is Christmas, which I can tell you won't be easy, that was her holiday. I've been up and down and all around over these months and I've thought of all that I've gotten to know here and I'm sorry for my absence and sorry for my lack of deviations. I haven't been motivated to pick up my camera for many reasons, the main one is that I've been working a whole lot and by the end of the day I'm just beat. Plus, my weekends have been pretty much about getting what I want from my mothers house and that alone is not an easy thing for me. There are many days where I go to pick up my phone to call her or to send her an email and I stop myself and just shake my head. I've walked into her garage and swore that her car was there and its scared the crap out of me. Its getting easier, I keep telling myself that over and over, and times I really believe it is, then it slaps upside the head and I'm in the thick of it again. How sweet grief is!

I've never talked about how my mother died on here and I think its time that I did. Not because I want to get sympathy or anything, I jsut I need to do it.
She and I weren't just mother and daughter we were best friends and without her here it leaves a huge hole in my heart. Last May, she went swimming and never came out of the pool. An autopsy was performed, she didn't have a heart attack, stroke, or anything wrong with her, she just had water on her lungs and it was ruled an accidental death. Whether it was her getting exhausted, scared, whatever, she just drowned. She was a strong swimmer, shit, she was a damn lifeguard when she was a teenager!! So for me to believe she just drowned wasn't easy to digest. But as these months have passed, I have come to believe that she got scared and gasped and thats what happened. Its still not an easy thing for me to type or even say and I am proud of myself at this very moment because I haven't shed a tear yet, but I am shaking like a leaf, so thats all I'm going to say about her death.........I can barely type anymore.

I also want you all to know that my kids are still driving me nuts and that I'm still here, just lurking about......



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Serious cat is serious.....SRSLY!